It's me again. I don't know exactly what to put here for now.

I have to admit something. I was holding back again.

There was this customer, she wanted to have some SPSS table report thing... I ghosted her for weeks. Maybe months. I feel guilty about it, but... I wanted to keep avoiding her.

The same thing with my professors. I am avoiding them. I wanted to avoid them. I wonder why that is...

Scared

Is it me being scared? I don't think so...

"Scared" implies that I would shiver, and get terrorized over the prospect of meeting them. The customer. My professors.

But I don't. I just... Woke up and feel like I want to go to the lab. I want to meet them. I want to.

I didn't, though.

Weeks on end, I just... Didn't. For no reason but that it feels... "Heavy".

If that makes sense.

Heaviness

The same thing is with this library thing. I wanted to go to the library. It's a simple want.

I want to go there, sit down, open my laptop and work. Maybe read something. Just... Go there. You know?

I didn't, though. I told myself:

I have to fix the bike first. It'll be hard to park my car there. So I did. I fixed the bike. But I didn't go.

I have to clean my laptop. It's embarrassing to type on a dirty keyboard. So I did. But I also didn't go.

Now my car's AC is broken.

Do I tell myself that I have to fix that too?

Reason with myself that that single "mission" is to be finished before I can go to the library? No. Not really.

The car isn't part of the library's equation. It's a part of something else.

I should actually look into the AC problem... I'll call my Mom and my Dad tomorrow.

Justification

Something has to be a justification for me to be this passive. I have to justify the passivity with... A lack of thing. Or maybe a thing I haven't done.

Didn't touch the lab at all because I said to myself I had to hunt down specific plants first. That I have to redo my methods.

That's quitter talk.

I know where I went wrong, I do.

I just... I...

I want to be better. This is a pattern. I have to break through.

I don't have to do anything. I just have to go there and talk. I need to talk. I need to be honest with someone and TALK.

Talking

The what-ifs are in the talking phase, isn't it? Talking is difficult.

No, talking is not difficult. The honesty part is.

I can't be honest about the fact that I categorize things to justify not doing things. That I have to do A before B. Even though A and B is in the same plane of existence and could just be done consecutively.

Or was it concurrently? At the same time.

That is the part that I hate the most about myself.

That I over-compartmentalize. Thinking that the world is moving like assembly lines.

I have to get over this.

I have to.